CHRISTMAS MESSAGES AND CHEER
VARIOUS CONTRIBUTORS
Funny you should mention it
A Jew named David, decides to send his son to Israel for the summer. The son comes back after his trip but has converted to Christianity which bothers David. So David goes to his friend Bernie to see what his thoughts are about the change.
After David tells Bernie the story, Bernie says, "Funny you should mention it. I sent my son to Israel two years ago and he also converted to Christianity. I think we should talk to the rabbi about this.
They tell the rabbi the story and he says, "Funny you should mention it. I sent my son to Israel three years ago and he came back a Christian. Maybe we should pray about it."
Just then a voice from the heavens speaks to them, "Funny you should mention it. I sent my son....."
THE MARINE
>
> By Corporal Aaron M. Gilbert, US Marine, USS
SAIPAN, PERSIAN GULF
>
> We all came together,
> Both young and old.
>
> To fight for our freedom,
>
> To stand and be bold.
>
> In the midst of all evil,
>
> We stand our ground,
>
> And we protect our country
>
> From all terror around.
>
> Peace and not war,
>
> Is what some people say.
>
> But I'll give my life,
>
> So you can live the American way.
>
> I give you the right
>
> To talk of your peace.
>
> To stand in your groups,
>
> and protest in our streets.
>
> But still I fight on,
>
> I don't bitch, I don't whine.
>
> I'm just one of the people
>
> Who is doing your time.
>
> I'm harder than nails,
>
> Stronger than any machine.
>
> I'm the immortal soldier,
>
> I'm a US MARINE!
>
> So stand in my shoes,
>
> And leave from your home.
>
> Fight for the people who hate you,
>
> With the protests they've shown.
>
> Fight for the stranger,
>
> Fight for the young.
>
> So they all may have,
>
> The greatest freedom you've won.
>
> Fight for the sick,
>
> Fight for the poor.
>
> Fight for the cripple,
>
> Who lives next door.
>
> But when your time comes,
>
> Do what I've done.
>
> For if you stand up for freedom,
>
> You'll stand when the fight's done.
SICK LEAVE
We've all had trouble with our cats, but I don't think we
can top this
one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my
excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth
was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head
injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I
reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt
a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one
morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call
out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-
patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me
in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a
second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent
outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as
extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the
sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.
No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal
teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she
spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked
me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most
vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with
her needle-like claws..
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly
rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging
from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this
predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was
fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and
forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many
things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck
naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse,
having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as
they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their
hysterical laughter.... ...and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back
in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about
my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. Which
it was.
"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police
officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Office r! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You
probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you
been eating doughnuts?"
MURPHY’S LAW
Contributed by Patty Whipkey
This is hysterical!!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS
