DECEMBER 11 UPDATE
COMMITMENTS
Fresno State. With three local players signing on to
be Bulldogs, the 2006 early
signee class features a trio of pitchers/utility players in Merryann Barr
(Fresno, Calif.), Robin Mackin (Ontario, Canada) and Katie Nelson, (Oceanside,
Calif.) while infielder/outfielder Haley Perkins (Fresno, Calif.) and outfielder
Kori Sherman (Fresno, Calif.) round out the group.
Shamrocks
Jennifer Everhart -- Radford University
Jessica Everhart -- Virginia Tech
Jenny Clohan -- James Madison University
Maddy Coon -- Stanford University
Gina Mondo -- Michigan State University
Amanda Burk -- Mount St. Mary's College
Kim Fowler -- Mount St. Mary's College
CHRISTMAS PAST
Going My Way celebrates its 60th anniversary this Christmas, and it never fails to bring a tear to the eye. Hearing Rise Stevens sing Carmen is a treat in any season. But, the crowning moment which weaves all the years together is the Bing Crosby and Rise duet on Ave Maria. I remember Midnight Mass in 1945; all the GI’s had finally come home and were sitting there in uniform. It was my first Mass as head altar boy, having been jumped over older boys because of my voice; after my voice changed, they locked the door at choir practice to keep me out. In those Latin Mass days before Vatican II, I also did the readings. And there were in the same country sheperds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night…Luke 2:8. My little old Irish grandmother was softly crying. I had a brilliant red cassock, just like a cardinal (just a coincidence, CIA) and a lace surplus; the shanty Irish and French and German kids wore cotton. As the Communion service began, my grandmother cried again when my cousin Francine rose in the choir loft and sang Ave Maria – which she would sing again three years later at my grandmother’s funeral. You will hear it when they close my coffin lid.
Christmas was also a rite of passage. For many years, the great and good of Oklahoma journeyed a hundred miles or more on Christmas morning to see and be seen at Senator James Nance’s eggnog party. The Governor, members of Congress and other power brokers would gather. On my 16th birthday, one of the most cherished gifts was a personal invitation to THAT party. I can still remember the broad grin on his butler’s face as he greeted me at the door, Merry Christmas, Mr. Rayburn.
Now, I give a kind of thank you for those earlier Christmas memories by delivering a gift package to my Church for a needy family.
I may also give a gift of money to my postman – even though the postal service today finally delivered a lost letter – an invitation to a great Thanksgiving dinner I missed.
CHRISTMAS AT THE GATE
Thanks to Bas Stevens
It is Christmas Eve and 3 men show up at the Pearly Gates and are greeted by St. Peter.
He explains to them that, as it is Christmas Eve, to be admitted though the Pearly Gates they must produce an item that references Christmas.
The 1st gentleman rummaged through his pockets and came up with a mini flash light and likened it to Christmas lights. St. Peter agreed and allowed the man to pass through.
The 2nd man did not have to rummage for too long. He came up with a set of car leys and as he held them up he jingled them and told St. Peter that they reminded him of Christmas bells. He too, was allowed to pass through the Pearly Gates.
The 3rd gentleman was hard pressed to come up with something. He finally pulled a pair of ladies panties out of his pocket and as he held them in the air he shouted "Carol's".
TECHIE CHRISTMAS HUMOR
THANKS TO Patty Whipkey
Dear Tech
Support:
Last year I upgraded from
Girlfriend 7.0
to
Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took
up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition,
Wife 1.0
installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system
activity. Applications such as
Poker Night
10.3,
Football 5.0,
Hunting and
Fishing 7.5,
and
Racing 3.6
no longer run,
crashing the system whenever selected.
I can't seem
to keep
Wife 1.0
in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking
about going back to
Girlfriend 7.0,
but the uninstall doesn't work on
Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from
Girlfriend 7.0
to
Wife 1.0,
thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0
is an
OPERATING
SYSTEM
and is designed by its Creator to run
EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete
Wife 1.0
and to return to
Girlfriend 7.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once
installed.
You cannot go back to
Girlfriend 7.0
because
Wife 1.0
is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under
Warnings-Alimony-Child
Support.
I recommend that you keep
Wife1.0
and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background
application
"Yes Dear"
to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command
C:\APOLOGIZE
because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a
great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0
comes with several support programs, such as
Clean and Sweep
3.0,
Cook It 1.5
and
Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the
system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way
to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend
Flowers 2.1
and
Diamonds 5.0
!
WARNING!!! DO
NOT,
under any circumstances, install
Secretary With
Short Skirt 3.3.
This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible
damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
HELL, EXPONENTIALLY SPEAKING
I AM NOT SURE THIS STORY IS TRUE. I am also somewhat hesitant to put it into a column read bv younger people. But, what the hell.
Only for
scientists.
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that
the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course,
why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools
when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student,
however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to
know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are
leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it
will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions
that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not
a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of
these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume
in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "
it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the
fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am
sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The
corollary of this theory is that since Hell HAS frozen over, it follows
that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only
Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being - which explains why,
last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
MEDICAL BULLETIN #3
I had NOT PLANNED ANY MORE COMMENTS BUT I need to answer a couple of questions and maybe correct some misnomers.
If I am in such pain, how do I continue to publish? Since I have now sprained the thumb on my left hand, which was already scheduled for surgery, I AM TYPING WITH ONE FINGER, and correcting errors and case shifts constantly. The one page bulletin took almost two hours. I STARTED tonight’s report at 6pm; now 1045 pm.
I installed voice recognition with very poor results. Gary Haning gets his system to work for him; the computer, while inanimate, is probably afraid not to perform.
My daughter Kathryn changed my bloody shirt and cleaned up the mess, but does not type for me – since the doctors told me to stay off the computer. I read Clive Cussler’s latest in one day. You can only watch so many movies. Randolph Scott’s credits include 82 Westerns among his 102 movies. There is at least one Randolph Scott movie every day – many of them historically inaccurate. Kathryn calls between classes. Can’t complain to her; she was born without a right arm. Played basketball for two years in HS; the whole gym would erupt in applause when she picked up her dribble and scored. She is considered brilliant by those in the legal profession. Also, tough, trial lawyer type.
I am obviously proud of her, overcoming her handicap – just as I take renewed pride in all of our girls, at every level of our sport, who have had to overcome injury and especially surgery. Seems like I see more and more players, at the travel ball and college levels, who are still in rehab, fighting through the pain. Has little to do with scholarships or team; rehab is all about personal pride and determination (the cast is a bloody nuisance). I even feel for the major college pitcher who apparently fell asleep on a training table, rolled off, and bruised her face.
Very much appreciated all the emails – in French. Read them all. My reading skills are much better than my conversational skills. I studied French, German and SPANISH, and can cuss in some others. Problem is you learn these skills in college or early on with State, but you are too junior to do much more than cocktail chatter, or order food. By the time you are senior enough to be a principal speaker, they want you to use an interpreter so there will be no misunderstandings. My cleaning lady, Soledad, whose contributions to the birth rate in Mexico surely deserved a medal, was overwhelmed by the sight of me; many hugs and a litany of good wishes which seemed to have the Blessed Mother at their root. Proud of her; she bought the local Merry Maids franchise; ready-made work force.
Finally, I was asked if I woke up screaming, at the sight of so much blood, like the fictional movie producer, Jerry Woltz, in the Godfather. No, Khartoum bled much more. MY first thought was how to stop it before I BLED TO DEATH. Noting differences in the discolorations on my shirt, I analytically determined that blood had seeped intermittently over a period of time, and some spots had dried – all of which I related to the surgeon at 430am. If they cut on you at Hopkins, you get the unlisted phone number and talk directly. It’s easier to call W than it is to reach some doctors. No more bleeding.
Got my attention, but I didn’t panic. Not sure I ever have. I got the old adrenaline flowing when the bad guy pulled a knife and tried to stab me in Chiang Rai, Thailand. I CHASED THE BASTARD. My nerves were somewhat taut when I HAD TO LAND A BURNING PLANE. Got a letter from a Federal guy: the proper procedure is to announce a Mayday; give your wing number; identify your difficulty; and request landing instructions. We do not say: clear that damned field; this son of a bitch is on fire.
Must admit I GOT EXCITED IN A CONTROLLED FASHION ASSISTING IN THe BIRTHs OF Kathryn and Allison. My wife went into orbit when she saw that Kathryn had one arm. Fortunately, I knew a physician in the Carter White House and a team of specialists from Children’s Hospital was checking K for right side brain damage before she was an hour old. By the end of the day, thanks to the Foreign Service, I knew the state of the art in infant prosthetics around the world. I also revved up a bit when surgeons cut off my brother’s leg – at the hip – and were suddenly in need of a transfusion. They popped me onto the next gurney and took my blood until they could replenish the OR supply. I must admit I’ve gotten angry (as opposed to excited) at bad calls by umpires, at bad decisions by me, and at certain injustices in the world.
Other than that, I GUESS my next most exciting moment was watching Sharon XXXXXXX take all of her clothes off one night in London – after dinner at the Ritz. There’s a fundamental reason young men have been leaving home – ever since Eve bit into that apple. A statuesque redhead, Sharon embodied the resolution to that ages-old quest. A case-hardened European agent met her at a cocktail party, and told her he would snake across the burning sands of the Sahara just to hold her hand. She got married three months later – I declined the honor -- but would call me when passing thru Washington; very platonic. A doctor; she could have made a fortune in another profession.
end