MORE CHRISTMAS CHEER

12 Days of Christmas

 CONTRIBUTED BY Pamela Blake

    There is one Christmas Carol that has always baffled me. What in the world do leaping lords, French hens, swimming swans, and especially the partridge in the pear tree have to do with Christmas?  I found out.

    From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics. It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality, which the children could remember.

The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ.

Two turtledoves were the Old and New Testaments.

Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.

The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John.

The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament.

The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.

Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit-Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.

The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.

Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit-Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self Control.

The ten lords a-leaping were the Ten Commandments.

The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.

The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in The Apostles' Creed.

TECH SUPPORT

ToddRCarl@aol.com wrote:

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under
Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

THANKS TO Keith Schlosser

ONLY IN THE COMPUTER AGE

CYRUS SAYS: Daddy, how was I born?

DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We snuck into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete
button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:

                                        "You've Got Male!"

A TOE SHAKER OF A CHRISTMAS CARD

Thanks, Greg Laing

A Christmas greeting.  Be sure to click on all the reindeer and Santa

http://web.icq.com/shockwave/0,,4845,00.swf

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF
PLASTER AND STONE.

I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO
IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.

I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.

NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.

WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT
CAME THROUGH MY MIND.

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.

THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED
A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.

WAS THIS THE HERO
OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
THE FLOOR FOR A BED?

I REALIZED THE FAMILIES
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS
WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.

SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.

THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.

I COULDN'T HELP WONDER
HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE
IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.

THE VERY THOUGHT
BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES
AND STARTED TO CRY.

THE SOLDIER AWAKENED
AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
"SANTA DON'T CRY,
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;

I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."

THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED
FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.

I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE
ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR
SO WILLING TO FIGHT.

THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."

ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."

This poem was written by a Marine. 

CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently
what kills you.

>
>
>         The true meaning of the Christmas Spirit....
>
>
>
>          Pa never had much compassion for the lazy or those who squandered
>their
>          means and then never had enough for the necessities. But for
>those who
>          were genuinely in need, his heart was as big as all outdoors. It
>was from
>          him that I learned the greatest joy in life comes from giving,
>not from
>         receiving.
>
>          It was Christmas Eve 1881. I was fifteen years old and feeling
>like the
>         world had caved in on me because there just hadn't been enough
>money to
>          buy me the rifle that I'd wanted for Christmas. We did the chores
>early
>          that night for some reason. I just figured Pa wanted a little
>extra time
>         so we could read in the Bible.
>
>          After supper was over I took my boots off and stretched out in
>front of
>          the fireplace and waited for Pa to get down the old Bible. I was
>still
>          feeling sorry for myself and, to be honest, I wasn't in much of a
>mood to
>          read Scriptures. But Pa didn't get the Bible, instead he bundled
>up again
>          and went outside. I couldn't figure it out because we had already
>done all
>          the chores. I didn't worry about it long though, I was too busy
>wallowing
>          in self-pity.
>
>          Soon Pa came back in. It was a cold clear night out and there was
>ice in
>         his beard. "Come on, Matt," he said. "Bundle up good, it's cold
>out
>         tonight." I was really upset then. Not only wasn't I getting the
>rifle for
>         Christmas, now Pa was dragging me out in the cold, and for no
>earthly
>         reason that I could see. We'd already done all the chores, and I
>couldn't
>          think of anything else that needed doing, especially not on a
>night like
>          this
>
>          But I knew Pa was not very patient at one dragging one's feet
>when he'd
>         told them to do something, so I got up and put my boots back on
>and got my
>         cap, coat, and mittens. Ma gave me a mysterious smile as I opened
>the door
>         to leave the house. Something was up, but I didn't know what.
>
>          Outside, I became even more dismayed. There in front of the house
>was the
>          work team, already hitched to the big sled. Whatever it was we
>were going
>          to do wasn't going to be a short, quick, little job. I could
>tell. We
>         never hitched up this sled unless we were going to haul a big
>load.
>
>         Pa was already up on the seat, reins in hand. I reluctantly
>climbed up
>         beside him. The cold was already biting at me. I wasn't happy.
>When I was
>         on, Pa pulled the sled around the house and stopped in front of
>the
>         woodshed. He got off and I followed. "I think we'll put on the
>high
>         sideboards," he said. "Here, help me." The high sideboards! It had
>been a
>         bigger job than I wanted to do with just the low sideboards on,
>but
>         whatever it was we were going to do would be a lot bigger with the
>high
>         sideboards on.
>
>         After we had exchanged the sideboards, Pa went into the woodshed
>and came
>         out with an armload of wood---the wood I'd spent all summer
>hauling down
>         from the mountain, and then all Fall sawing into blocks and
>splitting.
>          What was he doing? Finally I said something. "Pa," I asked, "what
>are you
>         doing?" You been by the Widow Jensen's lately?" he asked. The
>Widow Jensen
>         lived about two miles down the road. Her husband had died a year
>or so
>         before and left her with three children, the oldest being eight.
>Sure, I'd
>         been by, but so what? "Yeah," I said, "Why?" "I rode by just
>today," Pa
>         said. "Little Jakey was out digging around in the woodpile trying
>to find
>         a few chips. They're out of wood, Matt."
>
>         That was all he said and then he turned and went back into the
>woodshed
>         for another armload of wood. I followed him. We loaded the sled so
>high
>         that I began to wonder if the horses would be able to pull it.
>Finally, Pa
>         called a halt to our loading, then we went to the smoke house and
>Pa took
>          down a big ham and a side of bacon. He handed them to me and told
>me to
>          put them in the sled and wait.
>
>         When he returned he was carrying a sack of flour over his right
>shoulder
>         and a smaller sack of something in his left hand. "What's in the
>little
>         sack?" I asked. "Shoes. They're out of shoes. Little Jakey just
>had gunny
>         sacks wrapped around his feet when he was out in the woodpile this
>          morning. I got the children a little candy too. It just wouldn't
>be
>         Christmas without a little candy."
>
>          We rode the two miles to Widow Jensen's pretty much in silence. I
>tried to
>         think through what Pa was doing. We didn't have much by worldly
>standards.
>         Of course, we did have a big woodpile, though most of what was
>left now
>          was still in the form of logs that I would have to saw into
>blocks and
>         split before we could use it. We also had meat and flour, so we
>could
>         spare that, but I knew we didn't have any money, so why was Pa
>buying them
>         shoes and candy?
>
>         Really, why was he doing any of this? Widow Jensen had closer
>neighbors
>         than us; it shouldn't have been our concern. We came in from the
>blind
>         side of the Jensen house and unloaded the wood as quietly as
>possible,
>         then we took the meat and flour and shoes to the door. We knocked.
>The
>         door opened a crack and a timid voice said, "Who is it?" "Lucas
>Miles,
>         Ma'am, and my son, Matt. Could we come in for a bit?"
>
>         Widow Jensen opened the door and let us in. She had a blanket
>wrapped
>         around her shoulders. The children were wrapped in another and
>were
>         sitting in front of the fireplace by a very small fire that hardly
>gave
>         off any heat at all. Widow Jensen fumbled with a match and finally
>lit the
>         lamp. "We brought you a few things, Ma'am," Pa said and set down
>the sack
>         of flour. I put the meat on the table. Then Pa handed her the sack
>that
>         had the shoes in it.
>
>         She opened it hesitantly and took the shoes out one pair at a
>time. There
>         was a pair for her and one for each of the children---sturdy
>shoes, the
>         best, shoes that would last. I watched her carefully. She bit her
>lower
>         lip to keep it from trembling and then tears filled her eyes and
>started
>         running down her cheeks. She looked up at Pa like she wanted to
>say
>         something, but it wouldn't come out.
>
>         "We brought a load of wood too, Ma'am," Pa said. He turned to me
>and said,
>         "Matt, go bring in enough to last awhile. Let's get that fire up
>to size
>         and heat this place up." I wasn't the same person when I went back
>out to
>         bring in the wood. I had a big lump in my throat and as much as I
>hate to
>         admit it, there were tears in my eyes too.
>
>         In my mind I kept seeing those three kids huddled around the
>fireplace and
>         their mother standing there with tears running down her cheeks
>with so
>         much gratitude in her heart that she couldn't speak. My heart
>swelled
>         within me and a joy that I'd never known before, filled my soul. I
>had
>         given at Christmas many times before, but never when it had made
>so much
>         difference. I could see we were literally saving the lives of
>these
>         people.
>
>         I soon had the fire blazing and everyone's spirits soared. The
>kids
>         started giggling when Pa handed them each a piece of candy and
>Widow
>         Jensen looked on with a smile that probably hadn't crossed her
>face for a
>         long time. She finally turned to us. "God bless you," she said. "I
>know
>         the Lord has sent you. The children and I have been praying that
>he would
>         send one of his angels to spare us."
>
>         In spite of myself, the lump returned to my throat and the tears
>welled up
>         in my eyes again. I'd never thought of Pa in those exact terms
>before, but
>         after Widow Jensen mentioned it I could see that it was probably
>true. I
>         was sure that a better man than Pa had never walked the earth. I
>started
>         remembering all the times he had gone out of his way for Ma and
>me, and
>         many others. The list seemed endless as I thought on it.
>
>         Pa insisted that everyone try on the shoes before we left. I was
>amazed
>         when they all fit and I wondered how he had known what sizes to
>get. Then
>         I guessed that if he was on an errand for the Lord that the Lord
>would
>         make sure he got the right sizes.
>
>         Tears were running down Widow Jensen's face again when we stood up
>to
>         leave.Pa took each of the kids in his big arms and gave them a
>hug. They
>         clung to him and didn't want us to go. I could see that they
>missed their
>         Pa, and I was glad that I still had mine.
>
>         At the door Pa turned to Widow Jensen and said, "The Mrs. wanted
>me to
>         invite you and the children over for Christmas dinner tomorrow.
>The turkey
>          will be more than the three of us can eat, and a man can get
>cantankerous
>         if he has to eat turkey for too many meals. We'll be by to get you
>about
>         eleven. It'll be nice to have some little ones around again. Matt,
>here,
>         hasn't been little for quite a spell." I was the youngest. My two
>brothers
>         and two sisters had all married and had moved away. Widow Jensen
>nodded
>         and said, "Thank you, Brother Miles. I don't have to say, "'May
>the Lord
>         bless you,' I know for certain that He will."
>
>         Out on the sled I felt a warmth that came from deep within and I
>didn't
>         even notice the cold. When we had gone a ways, Pa turned to me and
>said,
>         "Matt, I want you to know something. Your ma and me have been
>tucking a
>         little money away here and there all year so we could buy that
>rifle for
>         you, but we didn't have quite enough.
>
>         Then yesterday a man who owed me a little money from years back
>came by to
>         make things square. Your ma and me were real excited, thinking
>that now we
>         could get you that rifle, and I started into town this morning to
>do just
>         that. But on the way I saw little Jakey out scratching in the
>woodpile
>         with his feet wrapped in those gunny sacks and I knew what I had
>to do.
>         Son, I spent the money for shoes and a little candy for those
>children. I
>          hope you understand."
>
>         I understood, and my eyes became wet with tears again. I
>understood very
>         well, and I was so glad Pa had done it. Now the rifle seemed very
>low on
>         my list of priorities. Pa had given me a lot more. He had given me
>the
>         look on Widow Jensen's face and the radiant smiles of her three
>children.
>
>         For the rest of my life, Whenever I saw any of the Jensens, or
>split a
>         block of wood, I remembered, and remembering brought back that
>same joy I
>         felt riding home beside Pa that night. Pa had given me much more
>than a
>         rifle that night, he had given me the best Christmas of my life.
>
>         Don't be too busy today...
>         Share this inspiring message with friends and family
>
>
>
>         "This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will
>         rejoice and be glad in it." "O give thanks unto the
>         Lord for He is good: for his mercy endureth for ever."
>         Psalm 118:24, 29
>
>

POLITICALLY INCORRECT BUT I CHUCKLED

 END

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