SEPTEMBER 27 UPDATE

HUMOR ROUNDUP

(from Jay Miller)

Idiot # 1

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the

poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because

she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her

that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her

daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the

conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant

poison to eat in order to kill the  ants. I told her that she better

bring her daughter into the emergency room right away. Here's your

sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

Idiot # 2

Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided

to steal a life raft from one of the  747s. They were successful in

getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on

the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised

them. It turned out that the chopper  was homing in on the emergency

locator beacon that activated when  the raft was inflated. They are no

longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet;

the paint might  run.

Idiot # 3

A true story out of  San Francisco : A man,  wanting to rob a downtown

Bank of America, walked into the  branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup.

Put all your muny in this bag."  While standing in line, waiting to

give his note to the teller, he  began to worry that someone had seen

him write the note and might call  the police before he reached the

teller's window. So he left the Bank  of America and crossed the street

to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few  minutes in line, he handed his

note to the Wells Fargo teller. She  read it and, surmising from his

spelling errors that he wasn't the  brightest light in the harbor, told

him that she could not accept his  stickup note because it was written

on a Bank of America deposit slip  and that he would either have to

fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip  or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man  said, "OK" and left. He was

arrested a few minutes later, as he  was waiting in line back at Bank

of America . Don't  bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't

read it  anyway.

Idiot # 4

A motorist was unknowingly caught in  an automated speed trap that

measured his speed using radar and  photographed his car. He later

received in the mail a ticket for  $40 and a photo of his car. Instead

of payment, he sent the police  department a photograph of $40. Several

days later, he received a letter  from the police that contained

another picture, this time of  handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his

$40. Another sign (though this guy  might be onto something worth

thinking  about)!

Idiot # 5

Guy walked into a little corner  store with a shotgun and demanded all

of the cash from the cash drawer.  After the cashier put the cash in a

bag, the robber saw a bottle of  Scotch that he wanted behind the

counter on the shelf. He told the  cashier to put it in the bag as

well, but the cashier refused and  said, "Because I don't believe you

are over 21." The robber said he  was, but the clerk still refused to

give it to him because he didn't  believe him. At this point, the

robber took his driver's license out  of his wallet and gave it to the

clerk. The clerk looked it over and  agreed that the man was in fact

over 21 and he put the Scotch in the  bag. The robber then ran from the

store with his loot. The cashier  promptly called the police and gave

the name and address of the robber  that he got off the license. They

arrested the robber two hours later.  Remind me to have more signs

printed up. Give this guy  his!

Idiot # 6

A pair of Michigan robbers  entered a record shop nervously waving

revolvers. The first one shouted,  "Nobody move!" When his partner

moved, the startled first bandit  shot him. This guy doesn't need a

sign; he probably figured it out  himself.

Idiot # 7

Arkansas : Seems this  guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided

that he'd just throw a cinder block  through a liquor store window,

grab some booze, and run. So he  lifted the cinder block and heaved it

over his head at the window. The  cinder block bounced back and hit the

would-be thief on the head, knocking  him unconscious. Seems the liquor

store window was made of Plexiglas.  The whole event was caught on

videotape. Oh, that smarts. Give him  his sign!

Idiot # 8

Ann Arbor : The Ann  Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked

into a Burger King in  Ypsilanti ,  Michiganat  12:50 A.M. , flashed a  gun

and demanded cash. The clerk turned  him down because he said he

couldn't open the cash register  without a food order. When the man

ordered onion rings, the clerk said  they weren't available for

breakfast. The man, frustrated,  walked away

(from John Thorson)

The Point System 

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when
dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to
understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one
single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and
you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You
don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the
way the game is played. Here is a guide to the points system: 

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed.....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
You leave the toilet seat up.....-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty.....0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.... -2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings...+5
In the snow .....+8
But return with beer.....-5
And no liners.....-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....+10
It's her cat.....-40 

AT THE PARTY 
You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with
a College drinking buddy.....-2
Named Tiffany.....-4
Tiffany is a dancer.....-10
With breast implants.....-18 

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday.....0
You buy a card and flowers.....0
You take her out to dinner.....0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your
face is painted the colors of your favorite team ...-10 

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal.....0
The pal is happily married.....+1
The pal is single.....-7
He drives a Ferrari.....-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....-15 

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.....+2
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
You take her to a movie you like.....-2
It's called Death Cop III.....-3
Which features Cyborgs that crush human skulls.....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans..-15 

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly &exercise to get rid of it.....+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts.....-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-800 

THE BIG QUESTION:
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding.....-10
You reply, "Where?".....-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".....-100
Any other response.....-20 

COMMUNICATION:
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....0
You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience..+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying" well,
what do you think I should do?".....-100
You have fallen asleep.....-200 
 

ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk.....-100
You don't talk.....-150
You spend time with her......-200
You don't spend time with her.....-500
You seem to be enjoying yourself..-1000 

GAME OVER - YOU LOSE 

WORST GAFFES

(all of which really happened to Rayburn Hesse)

Your new fiancée and former girl friend are bitter enemies; you are at a meeting in Paris , fiancée at the hotel; former girl friend calls letting fiancee know she is using my town house while I am gone and can’t find the key to the liquor cabinet; I hid it because she was a lush.  You go to three stores in Paris looking for a German-made Braun hair dryer; fiancée wants to know why, and, absent-mindedly, you mention another former girl friend who asked you to get her the dryer.  Back in the States, days before the wedding, your Mother finds certain frilly things in the dresser in the guest bedroom; thinking they belong to the fiancée, puritanical Mother lectures fiancée on living together before marriage, at which time fiancée informs Mother that the frilly things do not belong to her.  I explained that I bought the dresser with the town house and the frilly things must have belonged to the former owner’s girl friend.  Some months later, new wife learns that former owner was a homosexual.  At your wedding, best friend Ike shows up with new wife, who immediately spies another woman wearing the identical dress – who just happened to be Ike’s former girl friend.  Ike had them purring together like old friends.  I never had his knack. At the reception, I spotted a young woman standing alone, and was certain she was a friend of the bride, married to a guy named Phil Burns, who had just told me the news they were expecting.  So, I nonchalantly asked this woman when she was due; the shocked young lady let me know that she was not pregnant, had never heard of Phil Burns, and had never been so embarrassed in her life. New wife worked in Maryland, so we always drove separate cars.  One day, she had an all-day meeting downtown so we drove in together.  When I was through for the day, I went down to the garage, got my car, and went home.  Could not imagine how her car was in the drive, but she was not home.  Then the phone rang.  At a Christmas party after the divorce, ex shows up with a well-known womanizer, and in a blouse cut down to her navel.  They saunter over to where I am standing, and the guy says he hopes I have no objection to his dating my ex.  None at all I said, then, in an inspired moment, I told him that, when I knew her, she had better taste in clothes and in men.  Touche’

(also from Jay Miller: Beer Stories)

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all  the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then
I look into the glass and think about the  workers in the brewery and all
of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this  beer, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say  to myself, "It is
better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true  than be
selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up  in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank  Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to  spend time with his
fools."
~ Ernest  Hemingway
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the  evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24  beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall  asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin.. When we commit no sin, we go to  heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God  loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of  mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but  the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
~ "Unknown"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.  Salvation in a can!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as  explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One
afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was  explaining the Buffalo Theory to his
buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well  ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the  slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones  at the back that are killed first. This natural
selection is good for the herd  as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps  improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members. In much the same way,  the human brain can only operate as
fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive  intake of alcohol, as we know,
kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the  slowest and weakest brain
cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer  eliminates the
weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient  machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."




end

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